July 6, 2008

If One Doesn't Work, Try Two, Or Three, Or...

On my "lawn kick" again. Maybe it's because 'lawn season' is in full swing. Or spiral. Downward spiral if you're a chemi-synthet-o-phile about your pwecious widdle gwass plants. Yeeuch!

I can't seem to get through a garden column, garden blog, garden forum, nursery, garden lecture....wherever gardens and all-things-horticultural are being discussed or written about, without the ubiquitous Lawn Possessed Person rising to complain about their browned out, burned out, depressingly bare-spotted and generally sickly patch of what used to be "green".

"I don't know what's the problem". they'll moan through toxic tears. " I watered every day. I fed it fifteen-gazillion times. I gave it half a bazillion treatments of fungicide/herbicide/pesticide/anycide and everycide. I applied every known Scotts et. al. lawn killer (er...lawn treament) put out by their little lab-coated snuffers of all things living in the grounds around our homes. And then I applied some more."

That's pretty much (with a little poetic license) what I'll hear or read. They water every day, too. Every day. You mean the way I see my neighbor's sprinklers ratchet on for 1/2 hour each and every morning. Rain or shine. Or the way I see oscillating sprinklers going for 30 minutes around noon or mid afternoon? Can anyone say: "Not watering long enough and yet, watering too often? " And is anyone familiar with the term: Evaporation? Gaack.

Adding insult to injury, these same overusers and abusers of synthetic fertilizers and chemicals, don't even know how to spell what they're using. I read this just this evening. A guy grabbed a bag of SevEn (that'd be SevIn folks) instead of Weed-O-No-More or Be Gone or some such other defoliant. These people can't spell what they 're using and can't differentiate one bag of poison from another. Ignorance is bliss? Ignorance is running rampant on what's left of America's lawns. Ignorance is wildly careening down the aisles past the foul, acrid stench of - primarily - Scotts chemical buffet at the nearest Big Box stores. And these people never stop to think their lawns are living things. Or at least they're trying to be. They're living things crying out to "Leave Me The Hell Alone!!! Back off from all that crap your dousing me with and give me a freaking chance to breathe and get some alive, beneficial organisms back in me to at least put me on life support before you come along with another bag of Kill-Em-Off". Geesh.

I don't think I'd want to have dinner at the home of one of these synthetic/chemical mental midgets. Boxes of rat poison could easily be mistaken for Sweet N'Low. Then again...isn't Sweet N'Low rat poison?